Alyaksandr
"Inside, it feels like I just ran away, and I could have kept fighting no matter what."
Alyaksandr
"Inside, it feels like I just ran away, and I could have kept fighting no matter what."
Alyaksandr is a young programmer from Hrodna, he studied to be an energy engineer and had never been interested in politics before this summer. He sbecame engaged in activism in the run-up to the elections, and afterwards actively participated in protest actions. No matter how much he did, he always felt he wasn't doing enough. In October he was summoned for interrogation to the police as a witness and was shown the video of the human chainh he took part in. On the advice of his lawyer, Alyaksandr almost immediately left for Ukraine as a political refugee. He has been living in Kyiv ever since. He admits that, regardless of any logical arguments, he still feels like a runaway and blames himself for it.
It's very funny to remember now, but I have never been a politically active person. I always had the following attitude: why should I change everything here, if I can just move to a better country, where there are human conditions, human attitude?
The story of my involvement in all this is not remarkable at all, really. My brother and his wife went on vacation this summer, and they have two cats at home, so they asked me to look after them. I stayed for a week, watched YouTube from their home account, and there was a lot about politics in the recommendations. Started getting politicized, watched some videos - and just couldn't be mad enough! And finally I saw, not even saw - realized this horrible situation with the elections: that the candidates are get barred, that they have already begun to put them in jail. Something clicked in me, I realized that that was it! I can't stand aside anymore, I just can't be indifferent anymore. After that I started reading a lot more news, even on July 15, when Babaryka was not allowed to take part in the elections - he was jailed based on far-fetched articles. That's when I went out to the square for the first time - there was a rally in Hrodna. Before that, I was watching everything online, and when I saw that a protest was planned, I immediately wrote to all my friends and acquaintances. I wrote: "Well, shall we go today?" And almost everyone gave me a plus sign, as if to say that they were coming too. I was very pleased, there was a feeling that many people were included in the process. Of course, I was still young and green at the time, and I asked, "Well, when are we going to be beaten with batons?"
At that point it was more like an adventure-the first protest, watching everything, wondering what was going to happen. I had to deal with all of this seriously later, but for now it was fun and interesting. The feeling of unity and the thrill of waiting for a bright new experience.
At that point it was more like an adventure-the first protest, watching everything, wondering what was going to happen. I had to deal with all of this seriously later, but for now it was fun and interesting. The feeling of unity and the thrill of waiting for a bright new experience.
After that, it was on! Before the election, my friends and I used to put up flyers about the "Voice" platform, just to let people know that it was possible to count votes honestly! In one evening we could put up more than 500 of such flyers on all the entrances. White bracelets were handed out. I handed out about 400 bracelets myself. It was so nice, about 70 percent of passersby knew about these ribbons and took them with pleasure. The rest just asked what they were for. That is, there were no people who didn't take them as a matter of principle.
Because all this activity was in the evening - after work - I was very tired. At first it was a pleasant fatigue. This is the case when you realize: if you don't do it, you will feel bad. You're going to feel like you're suppressing your desire to do something. So I gave myself to that kind of activism completely. Yes, I was exhausted, I was dead tired, but afterwards I felt that everything was not in vain, that I was doing something important even for myself.
After the elections were over, of course, the form of activity changed. I went to the protests almost every night, kept putting up flyers, kept talking to people.
Because all this activity was in the evening - after work - I was very tired. At first it was a pleasant fatigue. This is the case when you realize: if you don't do it, you will feel bad. You're going to feel like you're suppressing your desire to do something. So I gave myself to that kind of activism completely. Yes, I was exhausted, I was dead tired, but afterwards I felt that everything was not in vain, that I was doing something important even for myself.
After the elections were over, of course, the form of activity changed. I went to the protests almost every night, kept putting up flyers, kept talking to people.
After that, it was on! Before the election, my friends and I used to put up flyers about the "Voice" platform, just to let people know that it was possible to count votes honestly! In one evening we could put up more than 500 of such flyers on all the entrances. White bracelets were handed out. I handed out about 400 bracelets myself. It was so nice, about 70 percent of passersby knew about these ribbons and took them with pleasure. The rest just asked what they were for. That is, there were no people who didn't take them as a matter of principle.
Because all this activity was in the evening - after work - I was very tired. At first it was a pleasant fatigue. This is the case when you realize: if you don't do it, you will feel bad. You're going to feel like you're suppressing your desire to do something. So I gave myself to that kind of activism completely. Yes, I was exhausted, I was dead tired, but afterwards I felt that everything was not in vain, that I was doing something important even for myself.
After the elections were over, of course, the form of activity changed. I went to the protests almost every night, kept putting up flyers, kept talking to people.
Because all this activity was in the evening - after work - I was very tired. At first it was a pleasant fatigue. This is the case when you realize: if you don't do it, you will feel bad. You're going to feel like you're suppressing your desire to do something. So I gave myself to that kind of activism completely. Yes, I was exhausted, I was dead tired, but afterwards I felt that everything was not in vain, that I was doing something important even for myself.
After the elections were over, of course, the form of activity changed. I went to the protests almost every night, kept putting up flyers, kept talking to people.
"It felt like there were protest days-when things were happening, and then there were regular days when things were just like always. It was important for me to see that the struggle goes on and we exist everywhere and always. I wanted other people to see and remember too."
It felt like there were protest days-when things were happening, and then there were regular days when things were just like always. It was important for me to see that the struggle goes on and we exist everywhere and always. I wanted other people to see and remember too.
We went out once a week to do graffiti for the whole month of September. It felt like we were finally achieving the goal we had set for ourselves - we were noticed on "normal" days, too. Everywhere we painted - the maintenance workers along with the law enforcement officers were already there at 9 in the morning spray-painting our work. When I was passing by, I always thought: work! Work around the clock. And remember about us! At first it's scary to paint at night like that, of course, but then you just get used to it. It is impossible not to get used to live in constant, wild stress. When I came to Kyiv for the first two weeks my mood was going crazy. For the last months in Belarus I got used to a life full of anxiety and busy events, and nothing really happens here.
But still, August 9 was a turning point. In the political sense, everything was turned upside down. My friends and I all voted in Hrodna. A friend who forgot to take a picture of his ballot to send it to the "Voice" platform was laughed at. Some people stayed at the polling station to see the results, we stayed there for a while, but then went straight to the square. It was very important for us to take to the streets on this day so that the authorities could see that we were not indifferent, that we cared. We came a little early, there were not so many people, so we decided just to sit by the road beside the flowerbeds. Immediately, about 5 minutes later, a minibus pulled up and half of our group was taken away. I sat in silence, didn't move, didn't even breathe much. I couldn't believe it - they didn't take me in, because there was no room in the bus. I saw my friends being lifted up one by one, I had a panic in my head, but I said to myself, "Don't move, don't move, stay still. Of course, it was incredibly scary, but the further you go, the more you... it's like something inside that's responsible for the fear just shuts down. Even this day was revealing in this respect. People were dispersed from the square - after a while they came again and filled the square, then they were dispersed again - they came again. And you could see huge column coming up - and you couldn't see the end to it, which is awfully cool! And so for months on end, you just stop being afraid - you did everything on automatic. That same night, I got in a human chain on the road with 200 other people who came to the protest. It was because of it that I then had to leave the country.
But still, August 9 was a turning point. In the political sense, everything was turned upside down. My friends and I all voted in Hrodna. A friend who forgot to take a picture of his ballot to send it to the "Voice" platform was laughed at. Some people stayed at the polling station to see the results, we stayed there for a while, but then went straight to the square. It was very important for us to take to the streets on this day so that the authorities could see that we were not indifferent, that we cared. We came a little early, there were not so many people, so we decided just to sit by the road beside the flowerbeds. Immediately, about 5 minutes later, a minibus pulled up and half of our group was taken away. I sat in silence, didn't move, didn't even breathe much. I couldn't believe it - they didn't take me in, because there was no room in the bus. I saw my friends being lifted up one by one, I had a panic in my head, but I said to myself, "Don't move, don't move, stay still. Of course, it was incredibly scary, but the further you go, the more you... it's like something inside that's responsible for the fear just shuts down. Even this day was revealing in this respect. People were dispersed from the square - after a while they came again and filled the square, then they were dispersed again - they came again. And you could see huge column coming up - and you couldn't see the end to it, which is awfully cool! And so for months on end, you just stop being afraid - you did everything on automatic. That same night, I got in a human chain on the road with 200 other people who came to the protest. It was because of it that I then had to leave the country.
On the night of August 9 I had some kind of Vietnamese flashbacks: how we were standing, the chain, how the riot police went to beat us. And I remember waking up because my breathing became very rapid, a state of panic, I felt sick. My friends said that they also experienced something similar.
On the night of August 9 I had some kind of Vietnamese flashbacks: how we were standing, the chain, how the riot police went to beat us. And I remember waking up because my breathing became very rapid, a state of panic, I felt sick. My friends said that they also experienced something similar.
I was so actively involved that after the first two weeks after the election, due to the constant activity and nerves, I almost stopped eating. I was getting dizzy in the evenings from exhaustion. That's when I realized I needed to take it a little easier.
How did I end up in Ukraine in the first place? One day they came to work to pick me up with riot police. Why - I didn't know. A man came into our office - my colleagues said I wasn't there. He went back to the bus, sat there for an hour and then came back with a summons to the Investigative Committee, that I had to come as a witness. Is that how they come for witnesses? I'd already been living in my brother's apartment with my wife for three weeks - because it's rented and doesn't have my name on it. It was a precautionary measure - just in case, because I've been in a lot of places, I have dyed hair, I'm tall - just in case. And then, the moment came. I was having an online meeting with customers when several people at once wrote me in the chat: "Sasha - run, they came for you". I decided to find out what was going on, stopped to think. I made a plan in my head: how to inconspicuously run into the backyard, if anything. But I didn't have to, they left a summons at the office and left.
How did I end up in Ukraine in the first place? One day they came to work to pick me up with riot police. Why - I didn't know. A man came into our office - my colleagues said I wasn't there. He went back to the bus, sat there for an hour and then came back with a summons to the Investigative Committee, that I had to come as a witness. Is that how they come for witnesses? I'd already been living in my brother's apartment with my wife for three weeks - because it's rented and doesn't have my name on it. It was a precautionary measure - just in case, because I've been in a lot of places, I have dyed hair, I'm tall - just in case. And then, the moment came. I was having an online meeting with customers when several people at once wrote me in the chat: "Sasha - run, they came for you". I decided to find out what was going on, stopped to think. I made a plan in my head: how to inconspicuously run into the backyard, if anything. But I didn't have to, they left a summons at the office and left.
In the end I decided to go on a summons, because I was afraid of not showing up, what if they would have got into it seriously? I went right away with a lawyer. At the interrogation they showed me the video of the chain, with me in it, they asked what it was, whether I recognized someone, where it was. I was just playing the fool, on the advice of the lawyer - I said that I didn't know anything and didn't recognize anyone. I was asked to give up my cell phone for inspection, but I lied that I had it broken and hadn't brought it with me. So I had to come a second time - to give my phone "for the investigation". Fortunately, I did have an old broken phone at home, which I hadn't used for a long time.
I was so frightened by the calmness with which my lawyer was giving me advice. With just a stony face he said: "If they start beating you, try to call me, then I will record the attack and try to get to you. If you don't make it, just scream very loudly. As if that were a normal thing! That's when it really got creepy.
In the end, everything was fine. I gave him my old phone, wrote some kind of explanatory note and went home. I called my lawyer and he told me that it looked like they were now looking for someone who could be put in jail for those events in August. They're going through the videos, they're summoning people for interrogations. And the fact that I was in a chain, in fact, resisting police officers, interfering with traffic – was enough evidence for a criminal case, if they really wanted to. Basically, my lawyer really scared me, and I realized that I could end up in jail for a long time. That's why I decided on everything in one day. In the evening I went to a bar, sat down with my friends, told a couple of people about my plans and that's it. I bought tickets to Kyiv, packed my things, and went.
The first week in Kyiv I was actively walking non-stop, because I was just getting sick. I needed to be active, otherwise I felt physically bad. A feeling similar to how one describes returning from war. Like in the Remarque's work. I was not so much haunted by memories, but I just was shaken, more on the emotional level, I could not explain this feeling rationally. Just a terrible anxiety and shaking. I try not to watch news programs, because they are very stressful. But, in the end, I watch them anyway. I understand that it just makes me upset and anxious, but I can't help it. I just read the news and again I feel very angry inside, and again I feel anxiety. It is such a destructive emotion, because it only makes me feel worse. I also have problems with sleep, as I did in Belarus, so now in Ukraine. I couldn't sleep at all due to stress in the last couple of weeks, I regularly fall asleep in the morning.
I also feel like I just ran away, but I could have continued to fight no matter what. For example, I could go to work remotely, live in my brother's apartment, which is not registered in my name. To stay there, to continue my activities. I also thought that I could ask some homeless guy to buy a SIM card in his name for a bottle of vodka and use him to register - they would never find me at all. I often replay this scenario in my head.
The first week in Kyiv I was actively walking non-stop, because I was just getting sick. I needed to be active, otherwise I felt physically bad. A feeling similar to how one describes returning from war. Like in the Remarque's work. I was not so much haunted by memories, but I just was shaken, more on the emotional level, I could not explain this feeling rationally. Just a terrible anxiety and shaking. I try not to watch news programs, because they are very stressful. But, in the end, I watch them anyway. I understand that it just makes me upset and anxious, but I can't help it. I just read the news and again I feel very angry inside, and again I feel anxiety. It is such a destructive emotion, because it only makes me feel worse. I also have problems with sleep, as I did in Belarus, so now in Ukraine. I couldn't sleep at all due to stress in the last couple of weeks, I regularly fall asleep in the morning.
I also feel like I just ran away, but I could have continued to fight no matter what. For example, I could go to work remotely, live in my brother's apartment, which is not registered in my name. To stay there, to continue my activities. I also thought that I could ask some homeless guy to buy a SIM card in his name for a bottle of vodka and use him to register - they would never find me at all. I often replay this scenario in my head.
Still, there was always the feeling that I could have done more. I used to just try to do more in that case, in Belarus. Sometimes, when my body refused to work, I would rest for a day or two and go back to battle. But now you can't do that. I went away, and I can't do anything anymore. It's a terrible thing to realize. When I watch the news, I think I could have been there, with everybody!
It's very lonely here. I'm used to something different. I had a big company in Hrodna, we always went to the same bar on Fridays. That was our place. But when I come here, I'm all alone here, I don't know a soul. Also after all these events I've changed my attitude to life. Now I divide everything into categories: there are really serious things, when you can be killed, imprisoned for a long time, maimed, and then there's everything else. And this everything else is not that important anymore. On the one hand, it's easier to be yourself - you don't think about what people think of you. But sometimes this attitude is very disturbing - it creates a kind of social barrier. Here they tell you about some things: about some quarrels with girlfriends, about problems at uni. And in your head you openly devalue it all. Even though you don't want to, you still think, "God, do you really care about this?" And then you realize that you care about completely different things. And that you're on different levels of thinking. As frustrating as it is, you realize that you're on a lower level. You have your basic needs covered - you're alive, you're in one piece, and you're fine. And they have it higher, because on the basic level everything is fine and they can worry about other things. But I want to get away from all that, to settle down, to find a compromise with myself. So I try to work on myself - read less news, take more care of myself.
It's funny that before that I always wanted to move to another country, but as these events happened - for the first time I felt that Belarus is my country and I would be ready to stay there in all this shit that's coming. Just because I want to help. There was a sense of solidarity that I had never felt before. Wherever I am, now the words "people" and "homeland" mean a lot to me.
It's funny that before that I always wanted to move to another country, but as these events happened - for the first time I felt that Belarus is my country and I would be ready to stay there in all this shit that's coming. Just because I want to help. There was a sense of solidarity that I had never felt before. Wherever I am, now the words "people" and "homeland" mean a lot to me.